mini-vangies: End Times


The LA Times called asking me if I was satisfied with the service I was receiving and if I’d like to take advantage of the special deal they were offering. I politely said, “No,” and then asked the saleslady a question: “Do you ever think about what happens when you die?”

“Oh, yes. I’m going to come back as a poodle named Fifi.”
null “Really?” I said feigning surprise. “If you don’t come back as a poodle named Fifi, where do you think you’d go, Heaven or Hell?”

“I’m Jewish and I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell.”

“Do you think that you’ve kept the 10 Commandments?”

“I try to live a good life, but I don’t think that I”ve kept them all…”

“Ever lied?”

“Maybe when I was a young girl…”

“What would that make you?”

“Someone who’s had a very unhappy childhood,” she replied sarcastically.

“Have you ever lied?”

“Where is this going anyway?”

Figuring that I wouldn’t get very far before the expectant CLICK! came, I got straight to the point. “If you’ve ever lied, stolen, or misused God’s name, then he will see you as a lying, thieving, blasphemer, and on Judgment Day you will be found guilty and end up in Hell…”

“What religion are you?” she interrupted.

“I’m a Christian,” I stated perkily.

“Well, we don’t believe the same things and I’m not supposed to talk about religion here at the L.A. Times.”

“That’s okay,” I reassured her. “All you have to do is listen.”


(If you’d like to know the proper technique for evangelizing telemarketers, click here to read an old E-vangie Tale: “Telemaketer Payback Time”)

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