Atheist Tuesday: 2012 Atheist Resolutions

76 CommentsAtheist Tuesday

An assistant to one of the top atheist “scholars” in the world who works at Oxford smuggled out this bit of classified information and tried to sell it to WikiLeaks, but, of course, they’re out of business. Instead he sent this to me with one condition: that I send him a Bible with Ray Comfort’s autograph. Apparently, these resolutions go out in the annual Christmas edition of the newsletter, World Atheists United.

After reading these resolutions I now understand why nearly all the atheists I have encountered have similar ideas. (Are those sheep I hear in the background?)

AS A DEVOUT ATHEIST,
FOR THE YEAR 2012,
I RESOLVE TO…

10. Discover new and exciting ways to tell people that it’s wrong to tell people that they’re wrong about things.

9. Affirm absolutely that there are no such thing as absolutes!

8. Design intelligent arguments that prove Intelligent Design doesn’t exist.

7. Stick my head in a microwave until I can develop a “beneficial mutation” and prove those Christians wrong, once and for all!

6. Be offended by the very idea of a God who judges His Creation; yet I will enthusiastically support and encourage the American government in their practice of punishing criminals and people who have done me wrong.

5. Assert that the Bible was written by man and, therefore, cannot be taken seriously. However, I will blindly trust every single thing EVER written and/or said by Richard Dawkins, Thunderfoot, Eugenie Scott, the Amazing Atheist, or any other yahoo out there who hates Christianity as much as I do.

4. Allow my willing ignorance and suppression of the truth to anger Christians to the point that they become unfruitful and waste their time trying to prove to me intellectually that God exists. And if they do prove it, then my faith will stand in the Wisdom of men and not in the” power of God.” (win/win)

3. Take hypocritical offense at perceived wrongs while denying the existence of moral standards.

2. Make sure not to read the Bible again this year for fear that it may actually begin to make some sort of sense.

And my #1 resolution for the year 2012 is…

1. I will finally fix the chair at my computer in Mom’s basement!

(Thanks to Anna Jackson who sent me these resolutions via Facebook.)

Comments (76)

  1. Kim

    Reply

    That’s pretty funny.

    The most precious part of atheists is something I just ran into a couple days ago. Atheists start with, “I don’t believe anything unless it’s proven by the scientific method of knowing.” But when science shows something that goes against their cherished world-view, like there was nothing material to bring the material universe into being? “Well, it’s just science. Science is quite capable of being wrong.”

    Anyhow, good post. Thank you.

    • vintango2k

      Reply

      I am curious… what scientific statements have been made recently that atheists so fervently disagree with?

    • Nohm

      Reply

      “Atheists start with, “I don’t believe anything unless it’s proven by the scientific method of knowing.””

      Where exactly did you run into this a couple days ago? How were you able to run into all atheists? Or, are you maybe grossly generalizing what a single person said and painted with a broad brush?

      “But when science shows something that goes against their cherished world-view, like there was nothing material to bring the material universe into being?”

      Kim, please explain exactly what you mean here. Where has science shown this?

      Yes, science is quite capable of being wrong, but it’s also the best method that we humans have found of determining reality. If you can think of a better method, and demonstrate how it’s a better way, I’m all ears.

      I think you might have misunderstood the atheist that you ran across (again, “atheist”, not “atheists”, as I certainly wouldn’t phrase things as you put them… which makes me think that things didn’t exactly happen as you presented).

  2. Nohm

    Reply

    Hi Steve,

    You’re joking with the first two paragraphs, right?

    (There is no such thing as “World Atheists United”, so I’m just making sure that you are joking.)

  3. Nohm

    Reply

    AS A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN,
    FOR THE YEAR 2012,
    I RESOLVE TO…

    10. Make stuff up.

    9. Lie for Jesus.

    8. Annoy people with tracts.

    7. Talk about imaginary atheists.

    6. Engage in failed mind-reading.

    5. Make stuff up.

    4. Feel pity for the 99.9999% of the world’s population that will be going to Hell.

    3. Misunderstand arguments.

    2. Think that Mount Rushmore had only one builder, and that a painting is somehow like a human being by assuming my conclusion.

    1. Make stuff up by engaging in failed mind-reading!

    Hey, it’s just joke! Where’s your sense of humor? 😀

  5. Garrett

    Reply

    I also want to point out the hypocrisy in calling us sheep when you just copy-pasted this from anoter Christian website.

  6. perdita

    Reply

    “Welcome to a new weekly feature that will spotlight silly comments from this blog’s resident atheists, challenges to religious liberties in the U.S., and unbeliever’s opinions in general along with various and sundry articles and videos to help you deal with the atheist/unbeliever/agnostic/unsaved-and desperately-needing-a-Savior person in your life.”

    Hmm, this isn’t anything we said. It’s not about a challenge to religious liberties and it’s doesn’t pertain to unbelievers’ opinions (at least it doesn’t pertain to any real unbelievers.)

    I guess your only way of dealing with atheist/unbeliever/agnostic/unsaved etc. is with passive-aggressive behavior trying to disguise itself as humor. Ha Ha.

  7. vintango2k

    Reply

    Happy New Year, to the Most Passively Aggressive Man of the Internets, Steve. Please don’t delete this post as I’m not using the L word. If I include a ha ha, that does make this a humorous post right? =)

    • vintango2k

      Reply

      And wow, you threw Eugenie Scott in there? She’s a nice, courteous, unassuming woman who’s sole goal is simply to defend science in the classroom. What did she ever do to earn your ire?

      • vintango2k

        I mean… besides supporting the prosecution in the Dover trial… and aiding in exposing the lies and fraud and deceit perpetrated by the Discovery Institute and the “so-called” Christian defendants.

  8. Vagon

    Reply

    Oh my goodness, check out what I found from the Facebook group “War on Athisets”:

    10. Discover new and exciting ways to tell people they will burn for eternity.

    9. Affirm absolutely that there are absolute morals relative to God’s whims.

    8. Fail to intelligently design arguments that prove Intelligent Design exists.

    7. Stick my head in a the sand so I dont have to hear about a “beneficial mutation” and ignore those Atheists, once again!

    6. Be offended by the very idea of a morals without God; yet I will enthusiastically support and encourage the bits of the Bible that punish people by secular standards.

    5. Assert that the science was written by man and, therefore, cannot be taken seriously. However, I will blindly trust every single thing EVER written and/or said by the Bible, Spurgeon, Wesley, Ray Comfort, or any other yahoo out there who hates rationality as much as I do.

    4. Allow my willing ignorance and suppression of the truth to anger atheists to the point that they become unfruitful and waste their time trying to prove to me intellectually that God does not exist. And if they do prove it, then my belief will be by faith alone and its just a trick my specific deity is playing.

    3. Take hypocritical offense at perceived abuse from atheists while yelling at people from a soapbox.

    2. Make sure not to read the Book of Moroni/Koran/Bhagavad Gita/Dianetics/Illiad/I Ching/Talmud/TimeCube website again this year for fear that it may actually begin to make some sort of sense.

    And my #1 resolution for the year 2012 is…

    1. Copy and paste without attribution for sources, recycled material from Eric Hovind and some guy called Daniel Johnson.

    Seasons greetings.

    • BathTub

      Reply

      The Daniel Johnson is almost certainly the guy from the YEC organization The Truth Group. He’s an associate of Eric Hovinds.

      • vintango2k

        That’s beyond painful… not message wise, but song wise

      • vintango2k

        I am curious though Steve, do you agree with the guy in the song? Do you believe that man lived with dinosaurs?

      • Nohm

        Steve asked: “What song?”

        The song in the video that BathTub posted a few comments above. It’s by Daniel of T.R.U.T.H. ministries called “Man Lived with Dinosaurs”.

        “And how is this related to the post?”

        Daniel (the singer in the video) is the (supposed) original author of the “top 10 atheistic resolutions” that you have at the top of this page.

      • Steve Sanchez

        Ok. Since it’s related. Yes. I believe that man walked with dinosaurs. No more ridiculous than a virgin with child, or God becoming a man so that unbelievers may be saved by His death, hmmmm?

        Awful song btw. Just awful.

      • BathTub

        Not sure if I made it clear, but I confirmed that Daniel is the original author of the list.

      • vintango2k

        Wow, I was unaware that you were a Young Earther Steve, I could send you some science text books that might get you straightened out, are you passing along young earth creationism to your kids or do you actually teach them the accepted scientific literature about the age of the earth, dinosaurs, and the like?

    • vintango2k

      Reply

      I would love reading an article by you Steve explaining this position, when so many Christians accept scientific advancements in fields that directly contradict a belief structure that counters this. You don’t think these are ‘phony Christians’ do you? I mean you don’t also believe in a flat, geocentric Earth as well do you?

  10. BathTub

    Reply

    More joyful loving posts from Steve. Good thing you aren’t allowing Atheist Negativity, right Steve?

    What is with so many Christians being loathe to credit where they steal, er acquire their cut and paste material from. At least Eric Hovind when he posted it stated where he got it from, in this case I am referring to Anna rather than you.

    Oh, and you probably wouldn’t be surprised that when I saw this bitter condescending list this over at Eric Hovinds blog I immediately thought of you? If need confirmation of that you can check the appropriate thread at wearesmrt.

  11. Gotcha

    Reply

    IT WAS ME
    I COPIED IT FROM FACEBOOK
    NOW PLEASE DON’T DESTROY MY IRRATIONAL ARGUMENTS

    SPARE ME!, OH WISE ATHEIST, SPARE ME!

    • Garrett

      Reply

      Clemency denied.

      Twenty lashing with a wet noodle. Plucked from the Flying Spaghetti Monster itself.

      • Gotcha

        I think the FSM just needs to come and take Steve away to meatball heaven or the jar of sauce. Then people at parades won’t have to listen to his drivel.

  13. Nicholas Landsman

    Reply

    It is written:

    “…This month shall be for you the beginning of months. It shall be the first month of the year for you. Tell all the congregation of Israel that on the tenth day of this month every man shall take a lamb according to their fathers’ houses, a lamb for a household. And if the household is too small for a lamb, then he and his nearest neighbor shall take according to the number of persons; according to what each can eat you shall make your count for the lamb. Your lamb shall be without blemish, a male a year old. You may take it from the sheep or from the goats, and you shall keep it until the fourteenth day of this month, when the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill their lambs at twilight….”

    Never thought of the New Year this way, considering what it meant for Israel at its New Year, the Passover… and although this is not the same time of year, it is as good a time as any to reflect on the work Christ did for us at His New Year’s celebration… wow, pretty awesome, sorrowful, yet amazing and triumphant with His Resurrection! our Passover lamb…. the Lion and the lamb… Praise God!

    I pray that all may consider this in meditation…

    God bless, grace and peace to you in Christ Jesus,
    Nick

  14. Nameless Cynic

    Reply

    Hmm. Wonder if I can kick this to death in less than 5 minutes?

    10. Way to support the idea of “debate” there, Steve.

    9. Oh, no. There are absolutes. You and I (and everybody else) just disagree on the specifics.

    8. “Intelligent design?” Look at the rabbit for a minute. Despite the “chew his cud” mention in the Bible, that’s not cud. The rabbit’s digestive system is so inefficient that they take their poop and eat it again, to pull out more nutrients. (Look up the term “cecotropes.”) This sounds a little less than “intelligent” to me.

    7. Somebody gets all their ideas about how mutations work from comic books.

    6. Name me somebody who’s “offended by the very idea of a God who judges His Creation.” Just one (outside of those who failed to take their medication, of course). The offensive thing is that you feel you have the right to impose your personal view on us.

    5. Assert that the Bible was written by man” (correct) “However, I will blindly trust every single thing EVER written and/or said by …” Uh, you know that the rest of those are also men and women, and therefore… Yeah, btw, Steve. We don’t “hate Christianity” – just don’t support the idea. Do you hate Thor?

    4. Wow. Haven’t we covered this on already? Over and over? The problem is, you DON’T have anything resembling “logical proof” – it all comes back to “Well, it’s in the Bible, so it must be true.”

    And there, if you care, is 5 minutes. So, obviously, I can’t…

    3. “Take hypocritical offense at perceived wrongs” Define “projection.” And, no, there are moral standards. You just have a somewhat silly belief about where they come from. (One more time – why does every single society develop a philosophy similar to “The Golden Rule”? Every one – whether Christian, atheist, Muslim, Buddhist, whatever.)

    2. Are you kidding with this one? How long have I been hanging around here?

    And…

    1. Sigh Not a lot of basements in Albuquerque, my mom died about ten years ago, and I’ve been married for over twenty years anyway.

    Shouldn’t cut’n’paste other people’s material when it’s so obviously wrong.

    And, btw, I’m not particularly offended. That would be like you taking offense to somebody calling you a wren – it just doesn’t apply.

    • lazymouse

      Reply

      14. tell myself I’m smarter than theists

      13. spend time complaining to strangers online

      12. have a meaningless argument with a Christian once a day

      11. waste more of my life fighting people who believe in a God that I don’t believe in.

      • Nohm

        Obviously, some of us don’t see it as a waste (although I don’t consider it “fighting people”).

        Maybe, lazymouse, you’re wrong when you try to put words in the mouths of others?

      • heman scott

        I have noticed that many atheists are guilty of failed kind seeding. That is where you put a seed of kindness into the world.

      • perdita

        14. tell myself I’m smarter than theists

        This is really funny since the original post (and picture) is about how theists are so much smarter than those stupid, loser atheists that can’t pry themselves out of their mom’s basement.

        11. waste more of my life fighting people who believe in a God that I don’t believe in.

        I actually just fight the encroachment of religion into areas that should remain secular (our laws, our teaching of science, etc.) and the prejudice against non-theists. Other than that, you could argue that there are a lot of theists fighting against people that don’t believe in the same God they do. And it is a waste.

      • heman scott

        lazymouse you left out Atheist New Year Resolution #15

        #15 complain about how Christians are ruining society while at the same time doing nothing good for society.

      • Nohm

        heman scott wrote: “I have noticed that many atheists are guilty of failed kind seeding. ”

        That hasn’t been my experience. Maybe you either don’t know many atheists, or you don’t know who the atheists around you are, or maybe you just don’t pay attention to atheist charities.

        How about the Gates foundation?

      • perdita

        First, has lehman scott ever posted here? I’m not sure if you’re trolling everyone at SMRT or only those that post here.

        lol!

        On the one hand, you profess love and concern for us. On the other hand, you have no trouble with joining in mocking us. Is this a case of the right hand not knowing what the left is doing?

      • perdita

        Bro310, what is your evidence that I’ve done nothing to better society? And, since you seem to be concerned with adding seeds of kindness, how about if you and I agree to start sowing some of those seeds here on this blog?

      • heman scott

        Bill Gates is not an atheist and the Gates Foundation is not an atheist charity.

        Someone who tells others to do their research didn’t do their research.

      • Nohm

        Perdita, it’s not “Lehman Scott”, but “Heman Scott”. He seems to be trying to copy Lehman’s name.

        Also, is this Bro310? If it is, I take back all the trouble I went through defending him. I hope you’re wrong, Perdita.

        Bro310, is this you?

      • Nohm

        “Bill Gates is not an atheist”

        Well, it appears that that is in some dispute. It appears that I cannot support my claim, but you can’t support your claim that he isn’t, either, right?

        “and the Gates Foundation is not an atheist charity.”

        No one ever said anything about an atheist charity; you claimed that atheists don’t do anything good for society (which is bull).

        “Someone who tells others to do their research didn’t do their research.”

        You’re correct, my research was lacking.

        Now, sock-puppet troll, come out from under the bridge. And if you are Bro310, and you dump on the kindness of others, then you have no place to speak on people being good.

        I’m really hoping that you aren’t Bro310, but you are a weak sock-puppet troll. Stand up for yourself, already; don’t be such a wimp.

      • carl

        Notice when atheists get a dose of the truth they revert to calling someone a troll or saying they are a sockpuppet for someone else.

        It’s a bird!

        It’s a plane!

        It’s stormbringer!

        It’s bro310!

        It’s tony!

        It’s carl!

        It’s ray!

        It’s steve!

        It’s the guy I hate from the swamp!

        It’s my ex!

        LOL

        Another day another atheist tactic to discredit someone.

      • perdita

        Nohm – I was just trying to figure out why he was copying lehman scott’s name. FWIW, I hope I’m wrong and it isn’t Bro310 either, but I think it’s a thin hope.

      • Nohm

        Carl, given that the person (or people) keep using variations of names of people who post at the WEARESMRT site, it’s pretty clear that it’s a sock-puppet troll.

        Do you agree, or disagree?

        For the record, I have zero respect for sock-puppet trolls. I have far more respect for Righteous Richard and even Ruben Israel than I have for a sock-puppet troll.

        You’re right that simply being a sock-puppet troll doesn’t discount the troll’s arguments (that would be an ad hominem), but I haven’t seen anyone do that, as you claim.

        Can you back up your claim?

      • BathTub

        Of course he can’t, carl has solidified his reputation here as making endless claims then running as fast as he can as soon as he’s asked to back up anything.

        See carl.
        See carl run.
        Run carl, run!

      • carl

        wearesmrt atheists must be really frustrated with reading the truth if they are throwing one of their own smrties under the bus.

        no loyalty among those who’s moral compas changes everyday.

      • Nohm

        Hi Carl,

        Exactly who do you think we’re throwing under the bus? I don’t see us doing anything of the sort.

    • carl

      Reply

      BathTub

      Didn’t you same the same thing about Richard C? I guess I’m in good company.

      It must irritate wearesmrt atheists to read comments that are true. I’m waiting to see if I get mentioned as being a sockpuppet for someone else. Please make it someone good.

      • perdita

        Carl, I think you’ve gone off track a little. Who’s being thrown under a bus?

        Do you think heman scott, lazymouse, foreverman, etc. are distinct individuals that just happen to have chosen names that sound like people at SMRT and not someone intentionally trolling the people who post there?

        It must irritate wearesmrt atheists to read comments that are true.

        Sorry, while it appears you’re working hard at being irritating, I’m more bemused then anything else. It’s like Nameless Cynics comment about being called a wren – your accusation just doesn’t apply.

      • BathTub

        Is your desperate change of topic supposed to show how you back up everything you say and never run away?

  15. Nohm

    Reply

    “complain about how Christians are ruining society while at the same time doing nothing good for society.”

    Again, I think you’re talking out of your backside without ever having done a single second of researching this.

    Actually, now I’m curious: if atheists were doing “good for society”, how would you expect to know and how would you expect to see it?

    (I’m not implying that you wouldn’t know; just curious how you think you’d find out.)

  16. Tracy

    Reply

    This has nothing to do with my faith or lack thereof, but I resolve to win the HGTV Dream House.

  17. Really?

    Reply

    I am not a troll.

    Personally we could all be better off by following the 11 commandment, which is as follows: “THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THY RELIGION SERIOUSLY”.

      • BathTub

        Yet you continue to allow the sock puppets to keep trolling.

      • carl

        Every week Atheist Tuesday gets better!

        If Atheist Tuesday was a tv show it would be primetime.

        I am hoping to read more conspiracy theories from BathTub, perdita and Nohm about trolls and sockpuppets.

        The funniest thing for me is hearing trolls complain about trolls. WeAreSMRT is just one giant complainers website so I shouldn’t be surprised.

        😉

      • BathTub

        Yep remember last time how when challenged to prove a single thing you said about as you ran away as per normal?

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