Jesus said “Go!” .

Porta-potties are a great place to go because that’s where people have “to go” at the USC pre-game tailgate parties. I didn’t expect to be shouted down, yet I was prepared for the worst. (Read the first 3 parts of “USC Ugly” by clicking here.)

At big events like the USC vs. Cal Berkeley game we bring two types of sound systems:

This is “Little Mike”. I started preaching to the crowd waiting in line using this portable sound system.

“Hey folks,” I began amiably, “since you have nothing better to do, I thought we’d have a little church before you have to go. I want to ask you this question: If you were to die today would you go to Heaven or Hell? I didn’t say Heaven or Cal, I said Heaven or Hell?” People didn’t get the joke, or they didn’t like my humor, or maybe they thought it was unholy to have church while waiting for the head, either way, they started catcalling and making noise. I cranked up “Little Mike’s” volume, to no avail. Then they started a cheer.

“Give me a U!” the guys at the back of the line shouted.

“U!” the guys at the front repeated.

“Give me an S!”    

“S!”

“Give me a C!“ 

“C!”

I tried to preach but couldn’t. “Little Mike” was drowned out; he was the little speaker who couldn’t.

“What does that spell?” USC! USC!!! USCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!”

I bent down to turn off “Little Mike”.

The crowd began to mock, “C’mon now. Don’t give up!” they egged. “Don’t give up that easy!”

I looked up and said very softly, “I’m not giving up.”

You see, they didn’t know that I also had with me our second sound system, “Big Bertha”. 50 watts of pure headache inducing power. And up to a million decibels. Or so.

When people hear this speaker they squint, cover their ears, and run for cover. Even the kids at the high school where we preach hold the sides of their heads when they hear “Big Bertha”. 

I turned it on. And cranked the volume control:

“HELLO?!! HELLO!!!”

“NOW WHERE WERE WE? DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON? LET’S SEE IF YOU ARE.”

The cheering stopped abruptly as the crowd fell silent in defeat. My voice thundered like the sound of many waters and “Big Bertha” faithfully fulfilled her task. The heavens opened, the earth shook, and hearts were rent in two as the eternal Word broke stiffnecks and shattered eardrums.

And yes, the people in line at the Porta-Potty all thought that I was full of it.

Amazingly, a lot of people suddenly had to… go!

See Porta-Potty preaching live at the Tournament of Roses parade here.